A Brief FAQ by Xieyan

来源:有人杂志   作者:解岩   2015.05.05 12:03  浏览1347
摘要:First, you are a lucky woman, or at least, it appears so from the outside; your husband is not disabled, you have a family, and you have a son. Despite your blindness, you are not alone.

I am a blind mother and my son is in the second grade of primary school this year. Before the summer holiday, his school required that both his father and mother go to the school's parents' meeting. I was quite hesitant to attend, because I have never been to his school from the day he began kindergarten. His father and grandma have done everything, from his registration and parents' meetings, to sending him to school and picking him up, and so on. This is because, on one hand, it's inconvenient for me to go to school because I'm blind; on the other hand, his grandmother was afraid that if the teachers know I'm blind, it would have a negative influence on my son. They feared that the other students would laugh at my child and our child would feel a sense of inferiority and pressure. For me, such feelings are normal.

But this time, the school required that a student's father and mother both attend the parents' meeting, which made things difficult for my family. All of my family members thought that I should not go, and even my son himself felt that my presence would bring shame to him. At first, I also thought so. In the end, my son's father and grandma went to the parents' meeting and told the school staff that our child had no mother. This made me feel both sad and contradictory. I wanted to be just like other mothers and go to the parents meeting, but my family and I were afraid to make my son feel ashamed.

Yan Xie:

The saying “fire cannot be hidden by paper” is nothing but appropriate for what happens in your family. People usually hide bad things or things that are not supposed to be good, but they are still true; you are blind, and it's just you that thinks it is not a good thing. There is a saying: “if you cannot solve the problem, then you will become the problem.” You do not want to become a problem, right? I can't promise to help you to solve the problem, but at least this time we can face it together.

First, you are a lucky woman, or at least, it appears so from the outside; your husband is not disabled, you have a family, and you have a son. Despite your blindness, you are not alone.

Besides, your child has a grandma and a father to take care of him, which saves you from worrying.

However, it's just this luck that brings you more worries, and therefore in some ways actually makes you unlucky. For example, your son's father and grandma told his teacher: “this child has no mother,” which must be psychologically damaging for you.

As your son grows, you, as his mother, have isolated yourself from him just because of your eyesight, and the so-called inconvenience of your disability. The isolation is not just physical due to the fact that you can't see your child, but also psychological, as you haven't given out the love and handled the responsibilities which a mother should have.

You want to refute me, don't you? You want to say: “This is not the case, I want to take care of my son myself, but his grandma thinks that I can't because of my blindness. She is afraid that if I take the child out to play, we will always be looked at and made fun of by other people, and that our child cannot bear it, thinking his mother is not like other mothers…”

I acknowledge that your refutation is basically true. We can't all change the social environment and attitudes single-handedly. To be blunter, you cannot change the opinions of others. All you can do is to share your thoughts and feelings with your son and the world, and teach your son to do the same. This may at times be difficult for him, but it will teach him to be independent.

When you dwell too much on your suspicions that others look down on you, you will truly feel more and more inferior. When you feel a sense of inferiority and believe that you cannot bring your child the joy that other mothers can, you truly can't bring any joy to him. If you complain or worry that your eyesight will affect the child, then he will believe this and want to stay away from you, making your fears a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Your family members' feelings may be the most difficult to change. Regardless of your blindness or whether or not your mother-in-law approved of your marriage, you and your husband are married, and you love each other's uniqueness. After having encountered so much together, why can't you face your child's school meeting together? You are in love, right? In fact, your husband and mother-in-law's feelings reflect your own. If you change yourself, they will change with you.

Finally, a sentence for you: if you are in full blossom, then the butterflies will come by themselves; if you are splendid, then destiny will make its own arrangements.

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